Noon at Ngayon

It was a sunny afternoon. Almost everyday nga yata sunny afternoon. I cried for four consecutive days. Dire-direcho yun at halos apat na gabi ring iyakan. He broke up with me for many times, pero dahil sa sinasabi nyang “hindi ko kayang iwan ka kasi mahal na mahal kita” bigla na lang ulit kaming babalik to what we are before.

Let’s start the story sa “noon”

It was a sunny afternoon. We are so happy. I am so happy. Pumupunta ako sa isang Born Again Christian church to study bible. They teach me well. Mas lalo ko ngang minahal si God. My family saw the progress kasi lagi daw akong nagbabasa ng bible at lahat ng halos kinu-kwento ko ay about God.

Sa boyfriend naman, we broke up dahil sa akin for three days but we go back the relation at nakita kong much stronger pa. We see each other everyday. We laugh everyday. We love each other everyday. Halos parang after the 3day-broke-up, nag-regen ang heart namin at mas nagmahalan kami ng husto. Napapasaya nya ako at fortunately, napapasaya ko sya. I have my religious belief, I have my family, and I have my boyfriend.

Then, here comes the Mid Part

The Christian church I have said above, challenge me to break up with my boyfriend. At hindi ko nagawa ang challenge. I do love God before anything else but I choose to be with my worldly love one and I know I hurt Him so much. I become depressed for many days. Nag-iisip nga ako noon kung ipagpapatuloy ko pa ba. Here comes the teary evening at laging pray over ko ay “makuha ang tamang desisyon” which is God’s decision. Dinaan ko sa maraming signs. Sa out of 4 signs na hiningi ko, 2 ang may response at 2 ang wala. Naging happy ako at pinagpatuloy ang bible reading. Kaso my relationship with church ay nagfade sa di ko malamang dahilan. I still seek for them dahil totoo nila akong napasaya at naturuan but I am shy for I can’t do the challenge.

Pagdating naman sa aking boyfriend, nagkaroon kami ng problema. Nawawalan sya ng oras sa akin at masyado akong nagdemand. We both decided to talk about it but it ends up I talk the most and he just do the “hindi” at “oo”. On day 1, we did not break up but we separate with tears. On day 2, I said I’m tired of being with him. At day3, he said his tired of the relation at nasasakal na sya, and he broke up with me. I choose to let him go kasi narealize ko ang pagkakamali ko and I don’t want to make the situation more complicated. At day 4, we met even though he doesn’t like to see me. I ask him with smiley face if he still want the break up.

“hindi ko na po kasi kayang gawin ang mga pinagagawa mo e”

I was hurt, but deep inside me, I know that I am the reason kung bakit sya nasakal. I was happy for him, truly. I kissed him on cheeks, he gave his last hug, very tight, and he wishes for the last kiss pero hindi ko binigay. Naging masaya ako para sa kanya kahit sya ang nakipag-break. Nag-usap pa kami ng parang magkaibigan at nagsabihan ng ilang bagay tulad ng “sorry” at “thank you”. He broke up with me pero masaya ako dahil marami akong na-realize. Mahal ko pa sya pero ready na ako na pakawalan sya to be happy with the things which really made him glad.

After hours of talking and laughing, I decided to go home. He stared at me but I can’t even look him in the eye. Before 10 minutes pass, he held my hand at sinabing

“hindi ko kaya.. hindi ko kayang iwan ka kasi mahal na mahal kita”

We talk again. He talks to me and we did rules for ourselves and our relationship. Sabi ko hahayaan ko na syang gawin lahat ng gusto nya basta wag namin hayaan ang relasyon. We become fine for hours, I kissed him and we separated. On the next day, we met again.

At sa pagkakaalam ko, eto na ang present. Nagagawa nya na ang gusto nya ng walang kahirap-hirap. Natuto na kasi ako. Maraming nagsabing I am just the girlfriend and I should support him to what he want to do dahil hindi pa kami mag-asawa at tama naman sila. I realized everything. Naging much sweeter kami at we promise last night about the stuffs we almost always do. Naging ok kami sa tamang meaning ng okay. Naging mas masaya, naging mas strong at mas nagmahalan. At ang pinakamaganda rito, nagsalita sya for the first time on what he really feels at natuto ako rito. Natuto ako sa mga ginawa ko noon at mas nag grow ako bilang tao.

I still read the bible. May kaklase ako noon na iniinvite ako sa church nila and I want to try them. Gusto ko ulit magliyab kay God dahil simula ng mid part of my life, naging cold ako sa Kanya. I want to serve him again. I still want to continue my communication with the first church I join pero sa lahat, si God ay gusto ko i-seek muli. Sya naman siguro and magdadala sa akin kung saan man akong church nararapat at sya lang ang magiging batayan ko from all of these. I broke other’s heart and they broke my heart but God do the repairing. Nabubuhay muli ako ng masaya hindi lamang dahil sa isang tao, kundi dahil kay God. Sini-seek ko syang muli, at si boyfriend naman? Ayun, sasama sya sa family swimming namin kung saan tinanggihan nya ng noon ng 3 araw :D